Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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