So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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