Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
