Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
