I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
