Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
