You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
