My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
