Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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