We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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