Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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