The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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