you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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