I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
