i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
