I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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