my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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