you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
