can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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