I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
