Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
