every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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