i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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