if you like me you must not know who I am
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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