this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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