Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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