we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
