walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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