Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
