my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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