it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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