i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
