and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
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