She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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