my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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