i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
