why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
