On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my vagina is haunted
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize