I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
