i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
