Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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