i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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