I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
