just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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