How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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