He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
