just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
