So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
