"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
