dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
