I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
