and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
