I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
