you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
