yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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