If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
