I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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