The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
