threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
