Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
